Official Website of Ellis Henican | HAPPY DECEPTION DAY YOU’RE NOT MY PARENTS

“Deception No Present on Father’s Day,” Ellis Henican Sunday Column, Newsday, June 21, 2009

It’s the Father’s Day mystery that may never be solved.

No, not what happened to Steven Damman, the toddler whose disappearance from East Meadow in 1955 spurred a massive national child hunt. With luck, persistence and a few long memories, the real answer may ultimately appear.

Harder to penetrate is the fog inside John Barnes’ head.

This Michigan man does bear a vague resemblance to the missing Long Island boy. But other than that, there doesn’t seem to be a shred of actual evidence – beyond the man’s ardent assertions and his various discredited claims – that he’s anything but the son of the family who raised him. Some gullible police and gullible media helped to propel the fake story. Even the boys’ ages don’t match up.

And yet Barnes’ explosive claims have left two real-life fathers with every right to feel devastated on Father’s Day.

His own father, a decent man named Richard Barnes, has had to endure his son’s far-fetched denials of his own family heritage.

And the father of the missing boy, Jerry Damman, now 78, has had yet another faint hope dashed.

“It wasn’t easy when it happened more than 50 years ago,” he said from his home in Newton, Iowa. “It’s not easy now. Naturally, I’m disappointed that this man wasn’t our son.”

So who has an answer for this? What is John Barnes thinking? Is his belief sincere? Is the man simply crazy? Is something else going on?

He doesn’t seem to have the usual fakers’ motivations – a thirst for riches or publicity.

So why?

BARNES’ NEXT CLAIM

1. I am Sparticus

2. Madam, I’m Adam

3. Will.i.am

4. I am, I said

5. I am 17, going on 18

SAM’S ISLAND (“located just 10 minutes from Manhattan or 3 1/2 hours by car”): In her tart-tongued “Daily Show” report, Samantha Bee seemed downright torn about the whole LI secession idea: To state Sen. Carl Marcellino: “I mean, if this secession happens, you could be a REAL senator.” To Suffolk Legis. Edward Romaine: “It’s all relative . . . You are talking about the best and brightest OF LONG ISLAND.” To three guys in a bar: “You’re not making it seem like a melting pot, unless you’re talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling marinara sauce.”

PUNCH IT UP: Tired of sitting through boring speeches? Don’t lose heart. Business presentations and retirement roasts could soon be getting a lot more fun. Thank Dan Gerstein, a former Joe Lieberman speechwriter and telegenic talking head. Dan just launched Gotham Jokewriters, a first-of-its-kind stable of top humor talent that can custom-craft killer material for even the dullest pol or exec. The crew includes pros from “Saturday Night Live,” “The Tonight Show” and “Seinfeld” and – this is really saying something – writers who’ve made even Mike Bloomberg and Hillary Clinton sound “funny smart.”

ASKED AND UNANSWERED: Are teens still stealing iPods on Massapequa’s Unqua Road? Don’t these delinquents know anything? This weekend’s gotta-have-it Apple device isn’t the iPod – it’s the iPhone 3G S . . . What do you say we trade LIRR cell phone service for wireless Internet? Wouldn’t the keyboard strikes and mouse clicks be far less annoying than all that cell phone chatter on board? . . . Now Starbucks tells us? They’d been grinding the beans just once a day? . . . How’d you like to be Donald Trump’s next casino lender? What if his gambling dens declare bankruptcy BEFORE he gets the loan? . . . Has Sarajean Grainson, 53, opened a college fund yet for Matthew and David, her newborn twins? She’ll be 71 their freshman year . . . When does a high-tech home-security system become an electronic Peeping Tom? Is it when the peephole spy cams are in the tenant’s bedroom and bath? So the Suffolk police assert in charging East Patchogue landlord Louis Bosco of South Country Road . . . How many summer celebs have taken up Sarah Lansdale’s simple challenge? Don’t just come to LI – do some good while you’re here! . . . Was there a minute on Thursday that folks at Bethpage Black feared the whole U.S. Open might be rained out? . . . Is it just my imagination or is the State Legislature suddenly making Congress (and the Nassau and Suffolk legislatures) look good?